The Pit

Posted by : Poe

Goals for 2015

Body Modification
Get cheeks re-pierced (another from last year)
[redacted] (I know what this is but I don't feel comfortable because it's nsfw)
Tongue split
Stretch conch
Nose job
Scoliosis surgery
Hysterectomy (unfortunately necessary)

I and Love and You
Finish right arm
Hand tattoos
This is from Mathilda
Dirty Paws feet tattoos
Mucha's 'Moon' full size back piece
The rain was never cold when I was young
Baby, be a giant, let the world be small
Face mandalas
Chin line
Tattoo conventions
Winter Soldier coverup
Kill Your Heroes
Something using Amber's ashes
Something for Ethan and Ella
Matching tattoo with Rosie

Art & Creating Beautiful Things
Learn to draw (especially shading!) (maybe find a class?)
More photography
Art videos
Model for somebody/something
Get book published
Write more!
Complete creative writing course
More posters for etsy store - much more fun and less hassle legally than taxidermy bits (damn Royal Mail clamping down)
Try get featured in a gallery for something
Find a style that works for me

Collect rare and beautiful pieces
Skin and mount all the dead stuff I've got in the freezer
Continue to respect the animals that give their lives so I may own them
Dig up all the skulls buried in the field
Put Chinese Water Deer skull together (will probably get my dad to do this, in fairness, I lack 3D imagining skills)

Creative writing course
Seek out education where I can (Norwich Arts Centre seems good for this)
Seriously, seriously watch that Itunes U Philosophy course
Read more!

Make a real life friend
Try to interact with people online (tumblr's the best bet if you ever want to)
Maybe hang out with people some time if they're willing to have me
A relationship

Anything else?
Push myself further than ever before
Get a passport and go to Amsterdam and Paris and everywhere
Do stupid but fantastic things and create memories
Keep zombie hunting
Keep seeing the dentist
Stop seeing the psych
Move out if possible
Try to live a life I would be proud of on my death bed
Legally change my name by deed poll
Exercise more

Let's see how it goes!
Posted by : Poe


It would be very easy to sum 2014 up as 'the year that went wrong'. And in a lot of ways, it was. I lost my baby girl, Amber, and my mum nearly died. Psychotherapy ground to a halt and depression hit and hit hard.

And yet.

I know a lot of people mock fandom and fanworks as childish and poorly made but I would disagree. I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier early in the year, and then my mum went into hospital. Suddenly, the friends I'd made in the fandom and the writing I was doing as part of it (and I actually felt accepted for once, as a valued member of a community) all distracted and helped. Furthermore, the works I was reading were relatable, sometimes painfully so, and slowly but surely, I began to see myself not as a victim of what had happened to me, but as a survivor.

I could point to certain works, of course, there are some that spurred me on more than others. But each time I read that Bucky Barnes survived his ordeal, that he lived with PTSD and anxiety attacks but kept fighting, this small piece of me grew larger and I realised, hey, if he can survive that, I can survive too. Whilst he may be a fictional character, crafted by a thousand hands, he felt real enough to ask for help when I couldn't sleep at night, real enough to suggest there was a glimmer of hope for me.

Fictional characters are important, and I dare you to tell me they're not.

My mum got better. Amber didn't. Mortality is fragile and I still don't understand it, not in the slightest. I wish I could say I was wiser for the experience, that I see things with a new perspective. I don't. I'm just slightly more confused and slightly more wary of the world.

Through twists of fate too bizarre to go into, I found someone to talk to who I used to know, years ago, and should have gotten to know then. I could kick myself for not doing so, but my problems absorbed my college experience and every day was just a matter of survival, pure and simple. But now? I feel like I've been offered a second chance.

And I feel braver now. I can cut ties and not feel the hurt of it. Finally, I don't have to watch Skype for someone to sign in and watch as they ignore me, or try to strike up a conversation and hear them talk about themselves and never once ask how I'm doing. I kept track, you know? And it hurt, for a long time, how one sided everything was. But now it's better, because they're gone, deleted and they haven't sought me out, so obviously there were no foundations to crumble in the first place.

My mum says I've matured. This is high praise indeed. And I think maybe, finally, I have. I read somewhere that you stop at the age the trauma starts, and only when you start to heal do you start to grow again. I think there's something to that.

Obviously, depression isn't something that just goes away. PTSD isn't something that just goes away. And anxiety most definitely isn't. I will probably lug the three of them around for the rest of my life. But. I have found hope in people, in their writing and their artwork and their meta, in their messages and comments and kudos. I still want more for myself, to create something that will last, but I got my artwork published in a book, so isn't that a start?

2015 seems to be starting off with a sniffly nose, but it also started off with dancing to Taylor Swift and telling Mischa, my new baby, that I loved her. Everyone says Happy New Year as the first thing at midnight, but I wanted my words to be words of love, and so I told her again and again that I love her, despite her being a monster and absolutely horrible to me sometimes.

There's a long way to go, the rest of my life in fact, and there'll be times when I dwell on the negatives more than the positives, and I can't help that. And yeah, I'll miss Amber forever, miss how she used to sidle onto my lap without me noticing or beg to be picked up. She was my girl, always will be. Beyond her, there's a world of work to do within myself, but for the first time I don't feel like I have to do it alone. There're people in my life now that I want to stay in my life. I hope I've made that clear to them, but if not, and we've talked, I mean YOU. Whether you made me cookies or sent me puns or wrote me messages too long for character counts, or left a kudos on my work, you matter. You give me hope. You make me want to carry on. And to those who don't even know I exist, whose words I've read or artwork I've saved or even gotten tattooed on myself (for there's been one), thank you. Thank you so much.

With love,
Charlotte. xx

Posted by : Poe