Little Mouse


Cameron knows, objectively, that he is skinny.
The mirror tells a different story.

Tommy knows, objectively, that the world is survivable.
His head tells a different story.

So when they find themselves in Brooklyn High School’s Most Screwed Up Kids group (not official title), with little in common but a shared tendency to self destruction, it can't do any harm to strike up a conversation, right? And if it'll get John off Cameron's back, maybe having a friend would be good for him.

Little Mouse is kinda a story I've wanted to write for a long time. It's taken a lot of work to get it out, but it's finally a thing, and I hope you like it. It's currently free, and surprisingly high up on the rankings, but then I guess free things go easier than paid for things. But if you're interested in a short 100 page mini-book, which should have a paperback version coming out soon, then yeah, check it out. It's about two boys, Cameron, who is anorexic and refuses to admit that he has a problem, and Tommy, who is living in an abusive household and tried to kill himself. Together, they try to figure out their problems, but find that adding two explosive personalities doesn't always result in good endings. It's a story of recovery, and discovering yourself. And love. Gotta have love. 
Posted by : Poe

just shove it in the microwave

So, like, two years ago I wrote this whole essay on gender and sexuality. And I was confused, and not so sure about whether it was accurate or anything - but the more I think about it, the more I think that everything comes around again and how you can try and deny who you are, but you'll always be you and facing that fact is easier than running away.

I've just re-read what I wrote all those years ago, and basically, I can see where my views have evolved and where they've remained, not stagnant, but fixed.

I would now more than happily refer to myself as genderqueer - as much as presenting as purely female makes my life easier and when my hair was long I knew people would look at me and think 'yeah, pretty', and sometimes, I'll wake up and feel that. But a lot of the time, I want the middle ground, an indistinct blur of non-specified gender, not male, not female, not anything, really. I've updated my sidebar to say 'boygirlthing' because that's how I feel. All of the above and neither. And I think that's okay. I'm good with that. It works. Boys' clothes fit better on my frame and yeah, I'm too short to be convincing as anything other than 'the littlest lesbian' but there you go. I know a lot of people don't get that you can be neither or both, and damn, I wish I could pick a side, but maybe I played too much of The Sims growing up, but the idea of not being fixed to one specific look or style or gender is too damn appealing to me. And more and more, it's becoming sort of okay to feel like that. So, like, whatever.

Sexuality-wise, very little has changed there too. I honestly thought, like, yeah, I could be this sexual being if I tried hard enough. I like boys, I like girls, I like everyone who fits outside of that binary. But it's aesthetic. Could I sleep with someone? I don't know - I would, if I loved them enough, but it would be purely for their benefit, to see them get enjoyment out of it, that would make me happy. It wouldn't be something I'd seek out and I have no desire to do so. There's something missing in me, perhaps, though I think 'missing' implies that it should be there and isn't, and I think asexuality is as valid a sexuality as any other, so I think it's wrong to imply something inherently missing, so that's wrong to say. But there's something I'm obviously not getting about the whole sex thing, and that is the whole sex thing. It seems, for one, massively energetic (I'm very, very lazy, I'll admit this, if something takes that amount of effort to accomplish then, nah, I'll leave it) and also just sort of... like, I appreciate for other people it's awesome, and I can read about it and be like, yes, congratulations on your orgasms, well done, you earned those - but more often than not I'll skim that to get to the cuddling and goofy pillow talk. There are only so many configurations and holes you can use, and once you've read one you've pretty much read them all and it's just sorta, rote, you know? Trying to watch porn very much gave me the impression of, oh for god sake, it's been twenty minutes, don't you have anything better to be doing, I mean, yes, you're obviously having a good time, and you're very pretty, but this is mainly quite boring. Anything that takes twenty minutes to do for very little reward is rarely worth doing - which is why I don't cook. So yeah, sex is like cooking for me, great if other people want to do it, but it seems to take time, effort and an attention to detail that I can't be bothered with. Just shove something in the microwave and be done with it (probably doesn't work so well with sex).

So yes, I still find people attractive (if you follow my tumblr you'll know that much to your cost) - but beyond that? Cuddling would be nice. Kissing? Yeah, could work with that. Them having a good time? Yeah, I guess. But for me? If I can make someone happy then super, but I'm not looking for reciprocation. I'd rather nap. Or watch How It's Made. Or play a frustrating half an hour of Tropico. So yeah. Maybe that's boring. Maybe that means I'm doomed to being the spinster of this parish. Or the confirmed bachelor. Or whatever the gender-neutral term for all this dying alone business is. And that sucks, man. But at the same time, I feel more comfortable in my skin than ever before, being able to admit to myself that 1) I don't conform to gender roles and that's OKAY and 2) sex is not a thing I want and that's OKAY TOO.

I might make a video on this. I haven't decided yet. I probably should, as at least it's something to talk about. We'll see.

 - Charlotte xx
Posted by : Poe

the last living boy

everything is circular.
Posted by : Poe